How Can You Mend A Broken Heart- Al Green

More great news

Went to the doctor again last month and she ordered a Dexa scan, which is the same as a bone density scan they give you to see if you have osteoporosis. My results were no where close to what we were expecting. Apparently I have the spine of a 91 year old and the hips of a 75 year old. No one can tell me why I have this at such a young age or what could have caused it. I am scheduled to see a new orthopedist on January 13th if UAB hospital will get off their ass and send my medical records to Vanderbilt. Maybe a new doctor will have some new ideas. I sure hope so because I have run out of them.

Warning: For awhile this blog will probably be for me to piss and moan about what is wrong with me and how it's not fair. I can't blame anyone for not wanting to read that since they have their own problems to deal with. But I have to have a way to get it out or I will bust.

Why I am me

Most people don't understand why I am the way I am. I hope these x-rays give them a better idea of what I have to deal with every single day.

My right tibia (shin)










My right knee:








My hip and pelvis









My spine



A couple of days before I got to come home:





At home about one week:



This is my leg at about 8 weeks after the wreck, just to give you a SLIGHT idea of how bad it was.



So when I have a bad day and tell everyone to kiss my ass, there is a very good chance that the pain is talking.

Just one day

What do you do when you just can't take it anymore? When the pain and sadness goes on day after day. In a few days I will be 45. The average life span of a female is 70 if they lived right. I figure you can probably cut about 10 years off for the way I've lived. That still leaves me with living like this for another 15 years. I don't think I can do it. I know I can't do it. I'm not that strong. I honestly pray every night to not wake up the next day and He never listens. I am to the point that I am considering helping it along. It's humiliating to have to have your kids clean for you. I can't even carry empty ecig boxes to the trash myself. I have to have someone help me to bathe, fix my food, well right now I don't have to have that. I Haven't kept solid food down for a month now. I just want the pain, all the pain to end. I need it to end. I just can't handle it anymore. I swear if it wasn't for the fact that my kids, I say kids, they are all grown, hadn't experienced so much death already, I would take the coward''s way out. I am looking at all the bottles I have right now. They are all lined up, calling my name, letting me know that they can end the pain when no one else can. I know medicines well enough to know what combo to take to stop this miserable life I live. It will never get better. I just want it to stop hurting. One day without any pain, just one day. I didn't think that would be too much to ask for but apparently He does because it never happens. I can't go on like this much longer. It is cruel to make me do it. People in prison are guarded against cruel and inhumane punishment, why can't I get a break? The bottles are calling me.

Why am I here 5/15/2010

How many times have you asked yourself that question? Why am I here? Why am I alive? Why didn't that car hit me when I was little and ran out into the street to get my ball? Why did my brakes work when I slammed on them to stop from hitting that stalled car in the road?

Why am I here? What am I supposed to be doing? What is the meaning of my life? What mark am I supposed to be leaving? Who am I supposed to save? What am I supposed to save?

Why am I here?

You didnt see me

You didn't see me 04/21/2010

This was written for my husband and myself after our accident on August 27, 2004. A recent thread on dripping while you drive made me think of this, especially since the weather is warming up and more bikers are out on the road. Please, just take an extra second, and one more look before you do something in your car. It just might be my life you save.

I saw you; hug your purse closer in the grocery store line
But you didn’t see me, put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate on Sunday.

I saw you; pull your child closer when we passed each other in the sidewalk
But you didn’t see me, Playing Santa at the local mall

I saw you; change your mind about going into the restaurant
But you didn’t see me, attending meetings to raise money for the
hurricane relief.

I saw you, roll up your window and shake your head as I rode by
But you didn’t see me, driving behind you when you flicked your cigarette
butt out of the car window.

I saw you, frown at me when I smiled at your children
But you didn’t’ see me, when I took time off work to take toys to the
homeless.

I saw you, stare at my long hair
But you didn’t see me, and my friends cut 10” off for Locks of Love.

I saw you; roll your eyes at our leather and gloves
But you didn’t see me, and my brothers donate our old ones to those that
had none.

I saw you; look in fright at my tattoos
But you didn’t see me, cry when my children were born and had their names written over and in my heart.

I saw you, change lanes when rushing off to go somewhere
But you didn’t see me, going home to be with my family.

I saw you, complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be
But you didn’t see me, when you were changing your CD and drifted into my lane.

I saw you, yelling at your kids in the car
But you didn’t’ see me, pat my child’s hand knowing he was safe behind me

I saw you, reading a newspaper or a map as you drove down the road
But you didn’t see me, squeeze my wife’s leg when she told me to take the next turn.

I saw you, race down the road in the rain
But you didn’t see, getting soaked to the skin so my son could have the car for a date.

I saw you; run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time
But you didn’t see me, as I was trying to turn right.

I saw you, cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in
But you didn’t see me, leave the road.

I saw you, waiting impatiently for my friends to go pass
But you didn’t’ see me, I wasn’t there.

I saw you go home to your family
But you didn’t see me the day you cut me off

I was just a biker…….with friends and family
But you didn’t see me.
Anonymous

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