Just one day

What do you do when you just can't take it anymore? When the pain and sadness goes on day after day. In a few days I will be 45. The average life span of a female is 70 if they lived right. I figure you can probably cut about 10 years off for the way I've lived. That still leaves me with living like this for another 15 years. I don't think I can do it. I know I can't do it. I'm not that strong. I honestly pray every night to not wake up the next day and He never listens. I am to the point that I am considering helping it along. It's humiliating to have to have your kids clean for you. I can't even carry empty ecig boxes to the trash myself. I have to have someone help me to bathe, fix my food, well right now I don't have to have that. I Haven't kept solid food down for a month now. I just want the pain, all the pain to end. I need it to end. I just can't handle it anymore. I swear if it wasn't for the fact that my kids, I say kids, they are all grown, hadn't experienced so much death already, I would take the coward''s way out. I am looking at all the bottles I have right now. They are all lined up, calling my name, letting me know that they can end the pain when no one else can. I know medicines well enough to know what combo to take to stop this miserable life I live. It will never get better. I just want it to stop hurting. One day without any pain, just one day. I didn't think that would be too much to ask for but apparently He does because it never happens. I can't go on like this much longer. It is cruel to make me do it. People in prison are guarded against cruel and inhumane punishment, why can't I get a break? The bottles are calling me.